Madara and Friends
by Sir Chris
Summary: Uchiha Madara is pretty crazy. This is how he got that way. Also will eventually contain things related to people not as awesome as Uchiha Madara. Small and Fluffy.
1. Carrots

**A/N:** I enjoy writing Madara in my novel length Naruto story but it is hard to always fit him in. As well, I can't always update that whenever a random joke comes to mind. So I am creating this short story machine to remedy that problem. Every update will be bite sized and intended to be humorous, although I may not always succeed. I will take requests, but Madara is the default character because Madara is awesome.

**1:** Carrots

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><p>Uchiha Madara looked at his classmates as only Madara could. Either they were capable of being manipulated or they were to be killed. Just like his dad taught him! Madara was currently five years old and that was the age when all Uchiha began to learn how to be ninja. Madara's father had begun to give him a few tips at the age of three when he poisoned Madara's carrots. For the rest of his life Madara would go into a murderous rage whenever he saw carrots.<p>

"Madara-san! Hello, my name is Yuu! Would you like a carrot?" The black-haired boy extended a carrot forward one moment and the next moment he was without a head.

Madara quietly began to clean the kunai of blood. His father had begun the kunai lessons the day after the now infamous carrot incident.


	2. Variables

A/N: No one suggested another character so it is more Madara time.

**2:** Variables

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><p>It was the second day of class and Madara was as happy as an Uchiha could get. He was currently doing his second favorite activity: making a chart. Madara always felt a sense of comfort when his assumptions and ideas were laid out in chart form. This particular chart was a pie chart showing which classmates he would eventually have to kill and which ones he would be able to manipulate. Madara let out a very high pitched cackle, suitable given that he was five years old, which attracted the attention of one of his classmates who walked over to him.<p>

"Hey Madara, why do you have a pie chart that's labeled "Classmates are easy to manipulate"? I think I am going to tell the teacher." The boy had a kunai in his throat before he could begin to turn. He gurgled for a moment with a surprised look on his face before he fell to the floor, dead.

Madara sighed. That was tragic. Now he had to redo the whole pie chart to adjust the number of classmates. This taught Madara a valuable lesson: Always put variables in pencil.


	3. Lunch

**A/N: **Madara always tries to be so helpful to his peers.

**3:** Lunch

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><p>Madara took a bite of his sandwich. It was lunchtime on his third day and he was already implementing his first plot that involved multiple targets. His father would be so proud! Madara watched silently as his classmates ate their lunches while chatting happily with one another. An Uchiha shouldn't do anything happily, much less chat nonsense with one another. That problem would be remedied soon enough.<p>

After a few minutes a number of students began to cough. Madara had practiced in the mirror for hours last night to not break out into a cackle when this happened. It helped him for a solid two seconds before he broke out into his best cackle which outside observers believed to be the world's cutest giggle. Sadly no one told Madara this because the reaction would have probably involved a pie chart followed by a lot of blood. Who doesn't love pie charts and blood?

Eventually their coughs became worse and Madara smiled in delight. This would teach those fools not to leave their lunch unguarded. He had put just enough poison to make them violently ill for days. They would thank him for his kindness later.

Just as Madara thought about how clever and nice he was the first person who had begun to cough started to bleed from the nose before his head _literally_ exploded off of his shoulders. Okay, so maybe Madara wouldn't be accepting any humanitarian awards this year after all.

Madara took out the bottle of poison from his pocket and examined the label carefully. At the very end of the description it said "can lead to some brain damage." Madara looked over at the headless corpse of his classmate. That was pretty misleading in hindsight. Madara wished his classmates would stop crying over the fool who died, it made it hard for him to focus on a far more important subject: Could he get his money back for the poison since it wasn't properly labeled? Madara's thoughts were interrupted by screams as another head exploded a few tables down from the first one. Madara gritted his teeth. He had a headache now.

_Someone is going to die for this_.


	4. Madara's First Nemesis

A/N: You reap what you sow.

**4:** Madara's First Nemesis

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><p>The Shinigami hated repetition and by extension he was learning to hate Uchiha Madara. It had been a month since Uchiha Madara, all of five years old, had begun his proper ninja schooling and every day since then the Shinigami had to stop by the school to pick up a new dead soul or ten. Not that the Shinigami minded; small children always cried the most, and it was a well-known fact that the Shinigami fed on the tears of the innocent. Also anyone who dared to say the word "meh" to his face. The Shinigami was particular like that.<p>

The problem was the company that the Shinigami was having to keep. He, like everyone else in existence, didn't like the Uchiha much. So here he was, reaping a couple dozen dead Uchiha that had died in a fire under mysterious circumstances.. The word "mysterious" was ancient Uchiha for "Madara."

"Damn." The Shinigami swung his scythe into someone's head. "Brat." He stabbed someone in the back. "Making." Another swing. "Me." A slice this time. "Be." Three heads in one swoop. "Around." He kicked a dead body. "The Uchiha."

The Shinigami rose up to his full height and sighed. He was going to enjoy the day Uchiha Madara died.

If he had known how long it was going to take he might have just done it himself that day.


	5. Rudeness is a Common Problem

A/N: The manga may have screwed this up. As if that ever stopped me!

**5:** Rudeness is a Common Problem in Today's Youth

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><p>Uchiha Madara had been in school for exactly thirty-three days and it was a blast so far! Madara didn't know what he liked more: stabbing stuff or plotting. As studious as ever, Madara had decided more experience would be needed to decide between the two. Currently Madara was holding a knife which should have been the second sign for the boy in front of Madara to run screaming for help. The first sign was, of course, the fact that he was in front of Madara. The problem with the excellent idea of running away was the fact that said boy was tied to a post with a target on either side of him. There would be no running today.<p>

"Ah, my precious classmate, do not worry! I am the top of the class in every accuracy category. Just hold still and this will go by quickly and painlessly. You ready?"

The boy shook his head vigorously but sadly Madara was distracted by a pretty flower off to his left. It didn't help that the boy who was so desperately trying to get his attention had been gagged only minutes earlier after he had been so rude as to hurt Madara's sensitive ears. There would be no screaming today either.

"I will take your silence as you being ready," Madara said far too jovially for someone about to throw sharp objects at another human being.

In a blur Madara threw two knives that each hit of the targets on either side directly in the middle. He proceeded to casually walk over to his classmate and remove the gag. "See, you should have had more faith in the top student in the class, Uchiha Madara!" Madara gave the boy a thumb up as he grinned.

"You are right, Madara-kun. I apologize," the boy said.

Madara nodded his head and in one smooth motion stabbed the boy in the throat. The boy looked at him with pitifully questioning eyes which were met by Madara's glare. "You _really_ should have had more faith in the top student, fool."

It would be a valuable life lesson that the other boy would carry for the rest of his life. Let's hope it did him well for those next four seconds.


	6. Brotherly Love

A/N: Say the manga screwed this up but that wouldn't stop me, and then I let it stop me. Screw that. Also to those who have me Author Alerted it is obvious I am on a bit of an update spree huh.

**6:** Brotherly Love

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><p>Uchiha Madara had but one weakness! Not counting the complete insanity as a weakness since that actually appears to be working rather well for him, just ask him yourself.<p>

Two years had passed since he had entered the Uchiha Academy and with all of the mysterious deaths the turnover rate for both teachers and pupils was rather high. Someone should have really looked into that. Well, beyond the first four inspectors who mysteriously vanished without a trace at any rate. Persistence is the key after all. Just ask Madara, he had to use the same kunai roughly twenty times to avoid leaving any evidence of his spare time projects, otherwise known as corpses.

Through all of the fun and blood and pie charts only one person remained constant in Madara's life: his brother.

And so they were found in the middle of a random forest one day in fierce competition.

"Ni-san! I beat you again. You are not very good at washing the blood out of clothes are you?" Uchiha Izuna asked.

Madara did not bother to hide his grin from Izuna. Madara shot a glance down and noticed the white cloth of his shirt had barely two drops of blood still remaining on it compared to Izuna's now stainless shirt. "You got me by two drops...however I won by two earlier in the other event and so I think it's safe to declare this a draw."

Izuna pouted at Madara as the brothers surveyed the veritable mountain of mangled corpses around them. Izuna felt a little guilty that he hadn't even bothered to ask any of the men their name before he and his brother brutally butchered them for competition. Madara on the other hand was just sad that he had gotten caught up in torturing his victims that he only won by two kills.

Izuna suddenly sprung up to his feet. "Tiebreaker! I bet I can beat you home, bye slowpoke." Izuna dashed off before Madara could get a word in.

Madara chuckled, no hint of the endless madness buried within him in his demeanor for the moment. Spending time with his brother and murdering random people. Today had been a good day indeed.


	7. Itachi is Stupid

**7:** Itachi is Stupid

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><p>Uchiha Itachi was aimlessly wandering the afterlife when a strong hand suddenly pulled him into a small room. Before Itachi could fully process what was going on Uchiha Madara was in front of him looking unimpressed.<p>

Nothing new there.

Itachi's did not hide his look of surprise well. "You are supposed to still be alive."

Madara rolled his eyes. "Yes, with that brilliant intellect of yours it is indeed shocking you couldn't outwit someone," Madara said scathingly.

Itachi frowned. "I don't know what that is supposed to mean. I pulled the strings in my life rather well and outwitted many opponents."

Madara chuckled darkly. "Okay well I am so glad you chose to argue because otherwise I would have made all of these charts for nothing." Madara suddenly produced several charts out of thin air and in no time had them on a stand along with a ruler in his hand so he could point to specific points in a given chart.

"Are the charts really required?" Itachi asked blandly.

Madara's eyes narrowed. "Charts are always required, fool." After a moment his attention went back to his first chart. "Okay so this is a pie chart. The red is the number of living Uchiha currently loyal to the village you love. As you can see there is no red."

Itachi blinked as he looked at the "chart" in front of him. "There aren't any colors at all. In fact, that's just a blank sheet of paper."

Madara looked at the paper. "But you concede there's no red."

"But there's not anything else either," Itachi countered.

"I am not seeing the problem," Madara said with a straight face.

Itachi could feel his eye begin to twitch. "That aside, I tried my best with Sasuke. It was all I could do."

Madara closed his eyes. "You are really an idiot, you know that? The Uchiha they call geniuses these days simply don't measure up. Instead of raving about hatred like a lunatic and forcing Sasuke to relive you murdering your parents why didn't you use Tsukuyomi to calmly explain to the brother that idolized you that what you had just done was required. You know, not shatter his entire world just because he would have to be alone for a long time. Was it really that much riskier than making him be consumed by hatred to the point that he would not even be able to recognize any form of friendship? You really are a crappy brother. I blinded mine and I still think you're a dick. Seriously, you are so stupid that I should find a way to go back in time from beyond the grave and screw with your life just to point out how incredibly stupid you are." Madara suddenly smiled. "Although, perhaps I already have. That would explain Tobi nicely, don't you think?"

Itachi's eyes widened. "You did-"

Madara cut him off. "Gullible too, huh?"

Itachi let out a sigh. He really hated his relatives. At least Madara hadn't asked him to eat vegetables like his mother had. Stabbing her was a less difficult than it probably should have been that night.

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><p>AN: This idea just popped into my head and the tone I wanted to take didn't really fit with a scene I'd want in Paperwork so there you go. Seriously though, he could have had seventy-two hours to explain things calmly to Sasuke in an illusion instead of going on and on about hatred. That man needs to think outside of the box.


	8. Uchiha Logic

A/N: While putting the finishing touches on my next chapter of Paperwork (finally) I remembered this small story existed. Then I remembered how crazy the Uchiha family was. Then I typed this out. If you read more than one of my stories, let this little morsel tide you over while I polish the next chapter of Paperwork.

**8:** Uchiha Logic

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><p>A young Obito hummed to himself as he lined up another Kunai to practice striking the dummy. He aimed carefully and was pleased to see he had managed to hit the dummy. Well, it was a glancing blow but it was still better than the first eight attempts he had tried. Something told him the kunai weren't supposed to fly behind him when he meant to throw them forward.<p>

**'Kill them all, Obito.'**

Obito whipped his head around at the sound of the voice but could find no one there. He was in a Konoha training ground which should be secure. Then again, while Obito didn't consider himself an expert on the subject, he thought it was fair to believe that he _shouldn't _be hearing voices in his head either. Perhaps it had simply been his imagination though. He had heard that his ancestors had some imaginations when it came to voices in their head. It was rumored that Madara had even believed the Shinigami spoke to him constantly.

The Shinigami didn't think twice a month really qualified as constantly.

As Obito was about to get back to training the wind picked up round him.

'**Kill everyone. Let your anger be unleashed!'**

Obito finally became clued in that perhaps he had overestimated his imagination when it came to hearing demonic voices telling him to commit murder. Obito flicked his eyes, not yet Sharingan because he was a complete failure to his clan, over to where his home was in the distance and began to wonder if abandoning his weapons and running would be a good idea.

**'Stab everything! Let your rage guide your blows!'**

Yeah, the weapons could go screw themselves. With a high-pitched scream Obito ran as if his life depended on it back home.

Up in the trees Obito's father frowned. He had thought that would work to awaken his son's eyes.

Next to the man was Obito's mother, who looked less than pleased at her husband's method. "Husband, what ever possessed you to scare Obito like that? It makes no sense."

The man proudly held out a book. "This guide said this is the best way to unlock the potential of Uchiha children."

The woman snatched the book from her husband and read the title. "Uchiha Madara's guide to parenting." She gave her husband a dark look.

'W-what?" he asked, a bit scared.

"Uchiha Madara never had children," she said quietly.

Obito's father looked down at the book and winced. "This isn't going to end well for me, is it?"

The woman's eyes gleamed wickedly. "Correct."

The screams that followed were heard throughout of Konoha. This occasion was named the Uchiha Massacre until, well, that other minor event happened.


End file.
